237 year old expires: Looks like we did it!

The body of a 237 year old, fondly known as Uncle Sam, was discovered on Capitol Hill in Washington DC today. Crime Scene Investigators placed police tape around the body believing foul play was involved.

Given his age, Uncle Sam showed signs of extreme elder abuse. Most of his assets had been siphoned off to enrich the already very rich, and fund criminal wars that have killed hundreds of thousands in the Middle East. His eyes had been taped shut to prevent him from seeing the carnage and his ears were plugged to ward off cries of the unemployed, the untreated sick and the poor. His jaw was wired shut to prevent his screams for help. His arteries - the highways and bridges that carried the commerce so vital to his economic well being - were weakened and crumbling, not from old age, but from senseless neglect. His cholesterol level had topped 14 trillion. His lungs were clogged with a sticky substance described as tar sand oil which was forcibly drawn through a long stretch of his body. He was forced to endure ever increasing temperatures from irresponsible human activity promoted by the Brothers Koch who were anything but the Pause That Refreshes. The citizenry responsible for his well being were seen imbibing a strange brew of tea and sophistry that drove them into a frenzy of unprecedented meanness towards their benevolent Uncle. As they danced around the corpse they were heard chanting: "Government is not the solution: government is the problem".

Police broke up the mob but made no arrests.