The Once and Future Mayor of Hot Yoga

I am the former Mayor of 26hot. I didn't win or lose an election. There was no vote. Under Foursquare law, one will hold the title of Mayor as long as they "check-in" to a specific location more often than other visitors. Being a Foursquare enthusiast, I've been sure to check-in to 26hot, the 9-month-old hot yoga studio, every time I arrive. It didn't take me long to obtain (or lose) the Mayor's title. Only 10 million people use Foursquare (though users grew 3400% last year). I don't consider my mayorship a significant accomplishment; Foursquare is a fun, tech-social proclivity I've adopted. The true achievement, if I may say so, is returning for the Bikram ass whooping. And, after a short break that cost me my title, I am back in the groove and I thought I would let you in on the ultimate workout.

A Bikram class is 90 minutes, 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. The classes are conducted in an acclimatized room: temperature is set at 105 degrees F, humidity at 40%.  The program claims the following benefits: improved flexibility and strength, increased energy and metabolism, enhanced sense of well being, improved circulation, reduced stress, improved quality of sleep, greater flexibility of the spine, increased muscle tone and weight loss, greater mental focus and concentration and proper functioning of immune system.

As a kid, I played baseball, basketball, football and I wrestled a little bit. I played some football in college. Post college, I ran and weight trained. Grueling athletic endeavors. Yoga isn’t exactly in my repertoire. Yoga is a chick thing, right? That was my take when Lisa asked me to attend a hot yoga class with her a couple of years ago. I thought it was an interesting experience, but the studio was a half hour away resulting in an unbearable 3-4 hour ordeal. That scenario wasn't going to work. In November 2010, Kris D'Orazio opened 26hot, 3 minutes from the house. About this time, my body started breaking down. I stopped running due to a bad ankle. Moving to the elliptical, I strained a knee muscle after a couple of weeks (Lisa and my doc ridiculed me claiming nobody gets hurt on the elliptical). Lisa had joined 26hot and was after me to attend. Unable to run and dying for a sweat, I decided to go.

26hot is located off Roosevelt Rd. in the busy strip mall anchored by the Dominick’s grocery store. When you enter the facility, you’re required to immediately remove your shoes. I have no idea why, but I obey. I'm not into the mystic principles of the Yogi. I'm here for a workout. In order to get a choice spot in the back, I enter the studio before a visit to the locker room. A mirrored wall faces me as I open the door. The forced hot air hits me fogging my glasses. The standard materials for Bikram are a yoga mat, a towel to cover the mat (unless you have an integrated mat/towel) and a water bottle. I've got my tools. Walking to a corner spot in the back, the room experience is similar to entering a portable toilet in mid-July. A little suffocating. Like entering that Porta Potty, my first inclination is to breath through my mouth. A frowned upon breathing method. Bikram demands nose breathing only which is fine because the room smells a little like corn chips (you’ll get used to it). Mats and then mat occupants begin to fill the room. The gals are barely dressed. The less modest guys come only in shorts. My former constituency (after all, I was the Mayor) is ¾ female and ¼ male. A slumber party in hell. And, Hell isn’t just about heat. Hell is fire and pain you can’t escape (the instructor won’t let you leave the room once class begins).

The 26 postures are “stretching” exercises, half standing/balancing and half supine (or on bended knees). 90 minutes of contortionist like movements. Ten minutes in, I’m soppy. Throughout the session, the instructor guides us through the poses, imploring us to stretch, stretch and stretch. I attack the moves like a clean and jerk. Not much finesse. Often, some part of my body will shake as I attempt to hold the stretch. I ain’t very limber. Occasionally, heart pounding, I’ll get a little dizzy and wonder if this is the time I go down.  I do not experience the mental serenity Bikram espouses. Though, they say that will come. I only long for the end. For, the end is why I come. All in all, my performance typically resembles a drenched Cirque du Soleil reject. After the final breathing exercise, participants, most of who are totally spent, roll up their mats and leave the room like mute zombies. Staggering and silent.

A little scary, isn't it? As I see it, one of two things happens after attending a couple of hot yoga classes. People quit or they are addicted. Personally, I'm a little obsessed (which is consistent with my personality). I have begun to realize many of the physical benefits cited above. Mentally, I still have issues and I'm not sure I want to be one with myself anyways. But if you desire a complete ass-kicking workout, this is it. Take it from the soon-to-be Mayor.