Understanding Teen’s World Key in 21st Century Parenting

LOMBARD—Child rearing expert Dr. Ron Taffel explained how to raise a teenager in the 21st century using better communication Tuesday night at Glenbard East High School as part of the Glenbard Parent Series.

Taffel said the keys to better communication with a teenage child are for parents to understand their teen's world and establish talking rituals. 

In several studies, Taffel told over 320 parents that teenagers have two families these days: the first family at home and the second family consisting of friends and the culture.

Taffel noticed the change in the early to mid '90s with the kids he was working with as they were talking more to their peer group.

"We were always trained (as therapists) that the first family at home was the major force in a kid's life, and what I began to see was a shift in the '90s that showed me the peer group was the force," Taffel said. "They were talking about their peer group so much and wanted to bring their friends to treatment to me."

With the second family influencing children more, it shifted the parenting style that is more affective in raising children from the authoritarian style of the Great Generation to the modern style of building a relationship with a child.

"Kids want to have a relationship," Taffel said. "We know they need to feel connected to us to get through adolescence."

A relationship is built when parents begin to understand their teen's world, Taffel said.

Good ways for relationships to grow are listening and having talking rituals.

Listening means to not say "I know exactly what you are going through" because this technologically filled world is much different than the one parents grew up in, Taffel said. He said let the child know "I don't understand, teach me" and listen.

Children talk to their friends frankly about themselves and their feelings, Taffel said, when parents are more reserved. Talking rituals are times when parents could talk about themselves to connect more to their children, becoming three dimensional persons who their children could relate to as friends.

Taffel said kids usually open up when they are doing other things. The dinner table, watching television, car rides and bed time for younger children could be good times for talking rituals or relationship building.

Also, Taffel said it is important for parents to admit a mistake if an imposed consequence is not fair and apologize to not only be just with their children, but to also model for their consideration of others. 

"Ask the kids how to do it differently the next time," Taffel said.

The audience responded positively to Taffel's presentation. Agnieszka Stevenson of Lombard has a son going to Glenbard East and said she agrees with everything she heard. 

"What I heard here makes sense, because in our society, we are so disconnected that we basically provide all the financial and material needs for our kids, but we can't find time for the mental support," Stevenson said.  "We should communicate and provide support and build a strong support." 

Gretchen Maloney of Glen Ellyn has three kids, including two teenage daughters. She said the concept of two families was new to her.

"The thing that really opened up my eyes is how this generation has two families," Maloney said. "As a parent, you want them to want to come home and have that warm fuzzy feeling home, but I see how the second family is also important in their lives."

Maloney said she was raised "the old-fashioned way" by her WWII-era father, but said she realized that does not work and wants to use the modern relationship approach.

Taffel was brought in as part of the monthly Glenbard Parent Series, and flew in from New York. Strategic Planning Chair for GPS Bob Rettger said that was possible because of a $96,000 grant from the Cebrin Goodman Center makes it where national speakers like Taffel can come in.

The Glenbard Parent Series began about 20 years ago when Student and Community Projects Coordinator Gilda Ross started the program at Glenbard West to help high school and middle school parents improve on parenting skills.

 The program is free to the public, open to surrounding communities and has grown greatly the last few years, Rettger said. This season, he said each lecture session has averaged 200 to 300 parents.

Rettger said the series has taught him that the world changed since he was young and how to relate to his oldest daughter after hearing a talk from Dr. Mike Bradley.

"It changed my life," Rettger said. "The whole purpose is to find out what is important in their world, what do they see and how to relate as parents and communicate with them in a way where we could plant some seeds that help them to grow into mature, confident adults."

The next Glenbard Parent Series speaker will be John Halligan, the father of a son who committed suicide as a result of cyber bullying. He will speak on Dec. 7 and 8.